Repentance is something I thought I had long done away with. What I never realized is that it is a theme constantly replaying in my life. After undergoing the events of the past few weeks, I realize I have some serious atonement to do for past acts.
This summer I called it atonement by work. By working manual labor and beating myself everyday against the walls of houses with my paintbrush I found myself redeemed.
This Fall I have no clue what my atonement will be, all I know is I fucked up and its time to earn my forgiveness. The hard part about this season is I have no idea how to atone for what I have done. This is a new theme.
Perhaps this Winter will shed light on the matter, winter is coming fast and working in a good blizzard, subjecting myself to the indifference of the cold might fix things.
How It Came To This
The real trouble is that this is all my fault. I have only myself to blame for having things go down, hard. Now I'm choosing not shaving anymore because its time for a shift. I'm relying on Egyptian Licorice Mint Tea and turkey club sandwiches to cope.
Shit always gets real after I realize I need to treat people better. Now this is the real constant theme. We all find ourselves needing to treat people and view people in a better way. This physical sickness I undergo writing this is the wake up call impetus to me recognizing the more metaphysical ill that still rages. The beer opener on my carabiner made me feel helpful again.
Apologies are weird. They are statements of regret, little else. Regret is a powerful emotion then if people are able to respond in such a way that they forgive. My grandfather's lighter and pipe proved things persist on and burning bridges should not be attempted.
People really can forgive. I had originally written “Can people really forgive” here, I went back and changed it after I finished. This part here, is really the end.
How the Faux-Manifesto, My Mouth, and Good Faith Ended It
The Faux-Manifesto made me arrogant, my mouth spread the lies, and good faith put into me by the other turned out to be a bad idea. The one provisional clause that came with this good faith was not to allow the person in question to be hurt, and I hurt them.
I do not blame tea, or my roommate's fairly decent taste in techno music.
Why Things Organized Neatly Proved Out to Be a Godsend
It proved order could exist in the face of chaos. The human being can make a stand. Vermont spoke to me and said those wiser than me put faith in something eternal and thought it a good decision. Vermont also said putting faith in people can also bring about a positive product. Bob's Discount Furniture provided the vessel with which I medicated.
She taught me that its possible to take happiness in the world, resurrecting my soul away from existentialism to my current indecision about the state of the universe. Its worth it in the end. At least we still have time.