The fog machine my friend broke out in his apartment set off the fire alarm, which freaked me out a bit so I peaced back to my dorm room, the following is an account of the things I saw on my walk back and the thoughts that followed on a Saturday night in April. It was the first nice night of the Spring Semester.
As far as I could tell the girls were having a drunken dispute, this is not uncommon at college. I turned off my iPod (I was listening to some Laura Stevenson and the Cans) and listened closely, dropping eaves as I walked by. Three other people were there, probably friends not taking sides or just being just being drunk and lazy. One girl was sitting, crying in a short dress the other was standing up yelling at her. Sitting Girl looked cold and uncomfortable in her high heels. As I walked past I struggled with the decision whether or not to intervene. Normally my policy has been it is not my place. It all comes down to the fact that I didn't want Sitting Girl to be left alone. I could have walked her back to her dorm, made sure she was ok. Nevertheless I walked on. This gave me proof life isn't a movie because if it was I would have said something, then we would have fallen in love or something, unless life is an indie movie with an existential basis.
I went into the student center which is open all night to write down the previous paragraph before I forgot it. I felt really alone at that moment and disappointed because of my failures with love. I wonder if the student center is where all the sexiles go on the weekends when they get kicked out of their rooms at 1-2 AM.
A girl and a guy were walking across the street down the hill I was heading up. She was walking really fast and the guy was making what I assume were excuses about his dumb behavior which she wanted no part of. I really have no clue, I was listening to La Dispute to loud to hear.
I walked to my dorm to go see if D was home to tell her about the arguing girls and ask her what she would have done but she wasn't home. The party zone apartments were packed with people, like an outdoor concert, everyone with road beers. I turned back to where the arguing girls were, when I got there they were gone. I guess the world is meaningless.
In front of the freshman boys dorm some bros were leaving, all with road beers. A few others were tossing full keystone lights out the window onto the lawn. One almost hit me. I wanted to yell “Hey thanks for the free beer” but decided to keep observing.
At the party zone people were everywhere and one of the apartments brought speakers outside that were playing “We R Who We R” by Kesha and a bunch of really drunk girls were attempting to dance. I stopped by at a friend's apartment but he disappeared after I said hello, D was nowhere to be found. So I left and went to the main thoroughfare that looked like a massive blob of people, where a few hundred were outside were getting their freedom on.
It was good for me to walk through and do all these things alone. I broke my comfort zone and realized I still have some growing up to do. People in trouble that I can help right in front of me I should help, even if it doesn't end well. Living passionately doesn't mean you ignore the troubles right in front of you. It means you embrace them and give them your all. Right now all the bros are roaring outside, its 1:25 AM and the parties are going strong. There will be fights, there will be crying, there will be apathy, there will be joy, and tomorrow, there will be regrets.
My biggest regret of the night was not helping. It still bothers me to this day. This is my confession. This manifesto, sadly is not for real.
This isn't what I signed up for in college. But like Sisyphus, I'll jump in and make the experience my own I guess, although that mantra is getting a bit old.